Consistency

In the warm velvety darkness of my bedroom my morning alarm interrupts a perfectly good sleep. The orange light glows from my clock and I can hear the sound of birds chirping; it’s time to get up and meet the world. 

 

What happens when your alarm goes off, or does it even get the chance? Do you hit the snooze button? Do you jump out of bed with excited anticipation about the day ahead?

 

I get up. I used to pretend to sleep, to ignore the brightening light, the louder birds, the dog that just jumped on my bed. I used to try to sleep longer, to get just 5 more minutes before stepping back into reality. Now, I get up. I feed the dogs, make my bed, shower and get dressed. I start the day whether I want to or not, because the day has already started. 

 

Consistency can make our lives easier, or sometimes harder, depending on the habits and patterns we have created. I realized a couple of years ago that pretending I could sleep longer made my mornings stressful and chaotic, so I decided to get up when my alarm went off, which I had set, by the way, because last night I knew what time I had to get up to give myself enough time in the morning. Getting out of bed right away helps make my morning less stressful and that consistency makes it easier to get up. 

 

Here’s what happens to our nervous systems when we know what is going to happen: we feel safe. We know what’s next, we know what we need to do, we know what happens after that. At least we think we do, which is usually enough. Being consistent helps our nervous systems to remain regulated. It takes away the unknown and helps us cope with the things we need to do. 

 

As a parent, I struggled with consistency. I had my own routine, but integrating another person into it was a challenge. My son needed snacks, I don’t snack. He needed a LOT of exercise, I needed to clean the house. I wanted to read, he wanted to play with me. At first, I didn’t get to do what I wanted, and I wasn’t even sure I could do what I really needed to get done. I was frustrated, annoyed, exhausted, stressed out and tired. I wanted to enjoy my little boy, but it was hard to have fun when I felt like I was always behind. The key to figuring it all out was consistency.

 

I started with a plan for meals and meal times. Since I’m not really great at formal meal planning, I just made sure I always had some vegetables we all liked on hand along with some meat and bread, potatoes or grains. That way I could always make something. I added in snacks and then set times for each so I knew what I had to work with, and how to plan my day. From there I created a morning routine so we could take on the day, and an evening routine so I could get my son to bed on time. That way I also had some time for myself at the end of the day. 

 

Creating routines and being consistent allowed us to hit the park every day, sometimes all day, eat the food when we needed to (my boy gets hangry!) and, most importantly, gave me some time to relax and have fun with my kiddo. We spent summer days at the water park or the wildlife park so he could run out all of that energy and I could share in his joy and read the odd book. 

 

As it turns out those routines and consistency makes a huge difference in our home, back then and all the way to the present. My son knows his routines and can manage himself and his day, which makes my morning and evening so much easier! 

 

Consistency is about more than just routines. It is also about doing what you say you will do or following through. Think about a workplace. Let’s say we have a supervisor who gives us two days to finish a project. We know that the only way to finish it in two days is to stay late and get some help from others. Are we going to work the overtime to meet the deadline? At first glance I think most would answer yes. But I’m going to give you some more context. This supervisor always wants the project in one or two days, and then doesn’t review it for another week after that. Does that change your answer? Will you sacrifice your free time to get the project done in two days? If the supervisor seems to not actually need the project completed in two days why would you hustle to get it done?

 

Consistency teaches others what to expect. If the project never needs to be done on the due date, the worker learns to give himself extra time. If I’m always late to supper at my in-laws (sorry Kathy!) they learn to give me an earlier time to arrive. If I ask my son to clean his room and never check to see that it’s done, he knows that nothing happens if he doesn’t clean it. If I ask him to clean his room and he doesn’t, then I clean it for him, he knows that when I ask his room will get cleaned by me!

 

The flip side is inconsistency. If my supervisor sometimes actually needs the project, and sometimes doesn’t, I don’t know what to expect. Now I’m going to be stressed out. If I work late, ask for some help from a colleague, and get the project done on time, the supervisor might not even look at it. If I don’t and when I’m asked for my project it’s not finished, I’m stuck trying to defend myself and explain why it’s not finished. I might even get written up. This is going to increase my stress and lead to some dysregulation in my nervous system. More on that in another post. 

 

At Adaptive Parenting we strive for consistency because it makes our lives easier. It helps us know what needs to be done, to organize our day, and to allow our nervous systems to regulate. When we our consistent we help everyone around us know what to expect, which helps their nervous systems regulate, and when we are regulated we can find the ease and joy in life.