Connection

The first pillar of Adaptive Parenting is Connection. From the moment a baby is born they are designed to connect with the parent, and the parent is drawn to connect with their newborn. Without connection an infant will not survive. Within the womb the fetus is intimately connected with their mother. She receives nourishment through the umbilical cord, essentially eating whatever her mother is eating. The pregnancy hormones that course through the mother's body exist to support the growing child, influencing and guiding her development.  

 

That first sweet moment when a mother is handed her child, having carried her within her body, where she can see her face, smell her skin and touch her tiny hands, is the continuation of bonding and connection that began in the womb. For a Father, it may be the first time he can really feel his own connection to this baby, having waited so long her her arrival, and finally holding her in his arms. 

 

We refer to this connection as attachment, and a healthy attachment supports a child's development right into adulthood. Children who attach securely with their primary caregivers can safely explore the world, and develop secure attachments with other important adults in their lives.   

 

What if the child doesn't develop a secure attachment? What if the child you are parenting had some disruptions to their early attachments? There may have been medical complications that required immediate attention, there may have been significant stress that changed the entire experience, the father may have not been present for various reasons. Maybe the child you are parenting has a different birth mother, maybe you are an auntie, a grandparent, a foster parent or and adoptive parent. While the scenario could be very different, the need for connection from child to adult, and vice versa, was the same, even if it didn’t feel that way. Every child needs connection, and, in fact, every person needs connection. It is part of what makes us human. 

 

Alone we don’t function well. I’m not talking about needing alone time, I need a lot of that! I mean that humans have always needed each other, for safety, for food, for companionship. We have developed in tribes, clans and communities. We connect in church, temple and mosques. We work in teams and learn in cohorts. People need to connect, it’s part of who we are. 

 

But connecting with your child isn’t always an easy task. In Adaptive Parenting we talk about connecting with our children, and also connecting with those who are active in our world: the teachers, coaches, other parents and counsellors. When we talk about connection it is for the benefit of our children and ourselves. We do not live in isolation, we do not exist in silos. In this age of technology we connect differently, sometimes more effectively and sometimes less. We often do not connect with our hearts and minds, fully present, and this can cause feelings of loneliness and sadness. Connection is a need, and doing it well is also a super power. 

 

My hope is to give you tools to connect with your child and others, to help you learn about your own nervous system so you can better understand how you are connecting, and to help you tap in to your own intuition. Adaptive Parenting is a framework to help parents help their kids who are struggling so they can find ease and enjoy life again. You are welcome here.